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A toy when it's batteries run dry. [16 Jul 2008|03:47pm] "Why am I so anxious? And then it hits me. I'm not anxious, I'm lonely. And I'm lonely in some horribly deep way and for a flash of an instant, I can see just how lonely, and how deep this feeling runs. And it scares the shit out of me to be so lonely because it seems catastrophic- seeing the car just as it hits you. But then all of a sudden, that feeling is gone and I'm blank. So it's like a door quickly opened, just a crack, to show me what a mess I was inside. But not enough to really stare for long and absorb all the details. Just enough to know the room needed a major spring cleaning." I struggle everyday to feel happy. I try my best not to dwell on the past or worry about the future. I read books to help me stay in the present and enjoy every second of my life. It could always be worse, right? No matter how bad things are, they could always be worse. It's easier said then done. And I do count my blessings, but tangible objects and nice houses do not equate to happiness. I'm frustrated because I preach carpe diem and yet I find myself feeling extremely unhappy and/or depressed and not able to practice it as much as I would like. I look forward to exhausting myself at work everyday to distract myself from life. I read and read and read and try to absorb positive words and energy, but for some reason my brain prevents me from doing so. This is one of the reasons I am seeking help. Summer 08, hurry up and pass. I'm ready to go to Boone and get out of this toxic environment that keeps me down. 3post comment

Wake up. [30 May 2008|02:22am] Get off your high horse. Look in the mirror the next time you point your finger. Stop thinking that you are such a goddamn saint; you weren't the only one that got hurt. post comment

[25 Mar 2008|09:54pm] [ mood | nostalgic ] [ music | Alice In Chains- Angry Chair ] wakey wakey rise and shine it's on again off again on again watch me fall like dominoes in pretty patterns dead from the neck up I guess I'm stuck stuck stuck we thought you had it in you but no no no exactly where do you get off is enough is enough is enough I love you but enough is enough, enough post comment

[14 Mar 2008|12:39am] [ mood | distressed ] I'm weak, so weak. Guess I'm not as strong as I thought. post comment

You leave me tangled in a knot. [12 Mar 2008|05:25pm] [ mood | confused ] [ music | John Mayer- Slow Dancing in a Burning Room ] I was walking outside today and I saw sprinklers. I instantly thought about all the times you would give me piggy back rides through the sprinklers that summer. I paused and memories came flooding back to me, which makes me question my decision. After a while, you learn the subtle difference Between holding a hand and chaining a soul, And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning. And company doesn't mean security, And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts And presents aren't promises, And you begin to accept your defeats With your head up and your eyes open, With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child, And learn to build all your roads on today Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for future plans, And futures have a way of falling down in midflight, And after a while you learn That even sunshine burns if you get too much. So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure... That you really are strong And you really do have worth And you learn and learn... With every goodbye, you learn. And then I read this poem, and it reassures me. Thanks for this Joey. 7post comment

[16 Feb 2008|08:18pm] [ mood | full ] [ music | Radiohead. ] .elbisivni .elbisivni .elbisivni .elbisivni .elbisivni .elbisivni .elbisivni .elbisivni 5post comment

[13 Feb 2008|12:18am] [ mood | cynical ] [ music | Eminem- The Real Slim Shady ] Everything that keeps me together is falling apart. 3post comment

Tiny Vessels. [02 Feb 2008|12:01am] [ mood | sick ] All I see are dark gray clouds In the distance, moving closer with every hour So when you'd ask, "Is something wrong?" I'd think, "You're damn right there is But we can't talk about it now No, we can't talk about it now" 2post comment

[21 Dec 2007|01:36am] [ mood | cold ] [ music | Trans-siberian ORGASM ] I'm beginning to understand how love and hate are so closely related. 1post comment

Boredom strikes. [17 Dec 2007|11:59pm] [ mood | sleepy ] [ music | The Strokes ] Career Inventory Test Results Extroversion |||||||||||||||||| 60% Emotional Stability ||||||||| 23% Orderliness |||||||||||||||||| 53% Altruism ||||||||||||||||||||| 66% Inquisitiveness ||||||||||||||| 50% You are a Persuader, possible professions include - entertainer, recruiter, artist, newscaster, writer/journalist, recreation director, librarian, facilitator, politician, psychologist, housing director, career counselor, sales trainer, travel agent, program designer, corporate/team trainer, child welfare worker, social worker (elderly services), interpreter/translator, occupational therapist, executive Take Free Career Test personality tests by similarminds.com Eysenck's Test Results Extraversion (69%) moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity. Neuroticism (59%) moderately high which suggests you are worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious. Psychoticism (50%) medium medium which suggests you are moderately self interested, willful, and difficult, while still respecting the well being of others. Take Eysenck Personality Test (similar to EPQ-R) personality tests by similarminds.com 5post comment

If I were your appendages, I'd hold open your eyes so you would see. [27 Nov 2007|10:06pm] [ mood | winded ] [ music | la television. ] It's funny, I have so much to say, but I am at a loss for words. I shouldn't settle for mediocre and for not being happy. I have the ability to change things, yet I don't. I need to listen to my instincts. I need to find myself again and figure out what I need and want. I want to rid the poison from my life. I want to learn how to play guitar again, but I seem to have forgotten everything I knew, and I need some help. I want to become more involved with photography. I want to find something and make it my own. I came back to Charlotte for a job interview at Victoria's Secret so I can have somewhere to work over winter break. I should find out soon. I'm pretty excited, even though some people say they can't see me working there. I'm ready for something new. Also, Skipster is coming to visit during winter break and I can hardly wait! I miss her so much and it will be amazing to see her. She keeps me sane. I love you, Skipster =]. 4post comment

[08 Oct 2007|08:04pm] [ mood | headache ] [ music | Mattafix- I To You ] You've got a real flair with excuses. post comment

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